spencer storey johnson

THE LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT OF MYRTLE EVELYN COOPER

I ,MYRTLE EVELYN COOPER (NÉ HARTMAN), of 7649 W Shore Drive, Egg Harbor, Wisconsin, previously of Worcester, MA, who only moved to Wisconsin for my first husband and couldn’t be bothered to move again once he died, declare this to be my last Will and Testament, and herby revoke all previous wills and codicils, so Ronald might as well burn the useless piece of paper he’s got, it won’t hold up in court.

ARTICLE I: FUNERAL EXPENSES & PAYMENT OF DEBTS

All funeral arrangements have been made and expenses have been paid, so there is no need for my family to concern themselves or muck up my plans. I have purchased a personal plot in Lakeview Cemetery and have sold my portion of the couples plot purchased by my third husband Harold Shaw, as I had little desire to sleep with him in life, and no desire to do so for eternity. All enforceable unsecured debts are to be paid out of my estate. These debts do not include payments to scammers, mooches, or lay-abouts.

ARTICLE II: MONEY & PERSONAL PROPERTY

LEGACIES:

A. My financial assets, with two exceptions, will be divided among my children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and other family members. The allotments will be based upon the final version of my ranking system, the sole copy of which has already been delivered to my Executor. Those with five stars will receive a larger percentage, four stars commensurately less, and so on, with one star ranked people receiving the smallest percentages.
B. The first exception is twenty dollars to be paid to my dear friend Ruby Salazar. In 1998 I lent her money that she never repaid, so I leave her this in case she needs a bit more.
C. The second exception is my youngest sibling, Ronald Matthew Hartman (zero stars) who shall receive a total of one dollar—minus postage.

BEQUESTS:

A. My mother’s ring—an heirloom passed from mother to daughter for six generations—shall go to my granddaughter, Alexa Worden, under the condition that her mother (who twice tried to steal it from my finger as I slept) never get her hands on it.
B. To my eldest daughter, Millicent Worden, I leave the remaining canned goods in my pantry; if she wants an heirloom so bad, she can have beans.
C. To my eldest son, Bernard Cooper, I leave the furniture constructed by his father. It has all been disassembled by an expert and boxed together for easy transportation. No instructions for reassembly will be provided.
D. To my youngest daughter, Candice Tedeschi, I leave the garden gnome that sat by my driveway for thirty-seven years. She ran over the original with her car and thought she had convincingly replaced it with the current, inferior gnome.
E. To my youngest son, Maxwell Shaw, I leave my 2011 Subaru Outback and my collection of Christmas ornaments—which he on several occasions and within earshot referred to as ‘tacky’ and ‘tasteless’—on the condition that the ornaments be visibly displayed each Christmas for ten years following my death. My Executor has been instructed to check in and repossess the car if necessary.
F. Finally, upon the recent discovery of a scheme to claim my possessions before I’d gone—involving color-coded stickers hidden surreptitiously on objects throughout my home—I have decided that the remainder of my tangible properties shall be distributed on the following terms: Those who did not participate (primarily my grandchildren and great-grandchildren, the dears) will be given twenty-four hours unaccompanied in the house to claim whatever they wish. My son Maxwell—who despite his participation, revealed the details of the scheme and its participants to me—and his husband Robert Porter will then have twenty-four hours to do the same. The participants of the plot may pick over whatever is left. All claims will be reported to and recorded by my Executor who will arrange distribution and monitor the process.

ARTICLE III: REAL ESTATE

In my final years I have heard many pleas and bribes from my children and siblings for the home at 7649 W Shore Drive. After giving it due consideration, the property will be divided among them as follows:

A. To my daughter Millicent I leave the front and back doors and all interior doors, including hardware.
B. To my son Bernard I leave the windows, curtains, and accompanying hardware.
C. To my daughter Candice I leave the refrigerator, range, microwave, and dishwasher, to be removed and reinstalled at her own expense.
D. To my son Maxwell I leave all fixtures, faucets, sinks, bathtubs, and toilets.
E. To my younger sister Ethel I leave the hardwood floors, all cabinets, the exterior siding, and roofing tiles.
F. To my brother Ronald I leave the gutted shell.

If these divisions are not satisfactory, I have left instructions for the property to be donated to the local fire department that they might burn it down for training purposes.

ARTICLE IV: RESIDUARY CLAUSE

I leave the remainder of my estate to my Executor. They may do with it what they wish and have been given my permission to claim and bequests or legacies unclaimed or rejected by the recipients.

ARTICLE V: TAXES

All Estate, Inheritance, and Succession taxes (including any interest and penalties) payable by reason of my death are to be paid in equal shares by my siblings and children. My grandchildren and great-grandchildren are not to be burdened with such expenses from my gifts.

ARTICLE VI: MINORS

If, under this will, any property shall be payable outright to a person who is a minor, my Executor may, without court approval, defer payment of such property until the minor reaches the age of majority, as defined by their state of residence. Under no circumstances should the parent or guardian of the minor be allowed to claim bequests or legacies on their behalf.

ARTICLE VII: FIDUCIARIES

I appoint my second husband, Francesco Moretti—always my favorite—as the Executor of my will and estate. He isn’t related to any of the rest by blood and I know I can trust him to carry out my wishes. If he is unable or unwilling to act in this capacity orresigns, I appoint his sister, Nicoletta Moretti, with whom I had a brief but exquisite affair in 1976. My Executor shall have all the powers allowable under the laws of this state and has been granted the additional power to enforce all conditions and stipulations of the will as they see fit.

I have signed this will as of this_____ day of_______________, 2019

SIGNED AND DECLARED BY MYRTLE EVELYN COOPER on_________________ to be her will under no external pressures, in our presence, who at her request, in her presence and in the presence of each other, all being present at the same time, have signed our names as witnesses.

FRANCESCO MORETTI__________________________

NICOLETTA MORETTI___________________________