A Bad Event In A Public Shower

“There is a dead man in the shower,” I started, honestly. Having worked a low paying secretary-type job before I also felt the need to say “I’m sorry, I know this is probably going to ruin your evening, fill you with paperwork, and definitely cause you to stay past closing.” But again, that felt too kind... considering the situation. “But you are working and situations are destined to arise, and this being a dire one I feel that it is definitely important that work is done to quickly resolve the situation.” But then I remembered the dead cannot be resolved so I said “and by resolve I do not mean to remedy the condition of the dead man, I mean to say that we should start the process of informing medical services, police services, and clearing the change room before anyone unwitting and most certainly undeserving is put under the stress of witnessing such a scene.” But without context the severity may not be fully received. “The scene being the dead body lying between two shower stalls.” But that wasn’t the whole scene and I resolved to be wholly honest “and the subsequent trail of water and blood that leads from the young, that is to say dead, man to me.” Who was I to this man? How rude of me to assume that he would just know my name. “Ronny. My name is Ronny.” But he was not a friend and might feel odd calling me by the name by which my friends call me. “But everyone else calls me Ron.” No, that was wrong. “I’m sorry, my name is Ron but my friends call me Ronny. Should you feel that we are friends and wish to call me Ronny I am okay with that. And even if you should feel that we are not friends but find the name Ronny more interesting than I urge you to speak that name when addressing me, if you want.” I also said. And then I continued: “And if to say that you feel we are friends, or near the sort, and you still prefer the name Ron you are by all means encouraged to refer to me by that name. And of course, should you find a reason to propose a new nickname or nom to refer to me by then I will gracefully hear your reasoning and possibly accept being referred to by your newly bequeathed name.” Which was all to say “that is to say, I am sorry for not introducing myself at the top of conversation.” With that out of the way it was time to take action. “I feel that you should grab hold of a” portable “phone and follow me to the specific scene, that is the specific shower, to confirm my story and call for assistance from professionals specifically in charge of dealing with situations like this.” I was careful to not insult the gym workers professional ability to sign people into the gym and hand them towels. But not... “I don’t mean a lawyer. They are a professional equipped to deal with this situation but not at this specific stage. Same with a judge and really a paramedic should be called, and I’m certain will be, but if I’m being honest and blunt” like my foot “a coroner would be of more use” at this time “at this time.”

At this time, I felt a great deal of guilt having remembered something I deemed to be important. “I care about the environment” was a poor place to start “and it seems in my time of stress, panic,” murder, “it seems I left my shower still turned on.” He might judge me, I thought, better to be over-honest now than be forced to explain more later, so I continued to explain the state in which he would find the shower. “Some like it hot” was a poor way to start “but I prefer the cold shower for a great many reasons” he would not need to know them all... but a few indeed “most of which involve an incident from my childhood involving boiling flesh.” Almost. “As a result of boiling water” I clarified quickly. This was to also say “I did not intend to leave the water on in hopes of draining the blood and entire body but merely through lack of remembering to turn it off.” But then it sounded suspicious. “How, you might be asking, would a proclaimed environmentalist ever forget to turn off the shower?” I asked him. “I was, and may still be, suffering from shock” I explained to him because the question was rhetorical.

And then another thought occurred to me “this is not just a regular gym!” I almost yelled the realization to him. “Some people simply use this facility to shower!” The guilt of explaining something he clearly already knew immediately set in and I just as immediately tried to rectify: “I say that, knowing that you clearly already know that, to bring that information forward as context for my next” evidence or point or “thought! Which is: I am not one of those people. I work out.” That was not hip, though, and I felt a slight need to be respected, especially considering the high chance that the context of our meeting would have resulted in a first- impression lack of respect “I lift.” Which was relevant because “I am saying this because I did not recognize the man.” Of course, good. “And I am someone who has been to this gym frequently.” But “that is to say, I did not recognize you either, are you new here?”

I paused to let him answer.

After he was sure that I wanted him to answer he did. “It’s my first day” he said.

“Then you have no reason to believe or disbelieve my frequency at this particular gym.” I responded, purely informationally. “And subsequently have a slight reason to believe the oddness of me having never seen the dead shower man before.” I also said “I do not always step on the heads of people new to me.” But alas in my attempt to be honest I had forgotten that omittance is a form of dishonesty. “That is to say that I was the person who crushed the skull of the aforementioned dead man” which was a good thing to say to him. “I am not gay nor am I religious.” I also clarified. “But I killed the man both in self-defense and the shower.” I continued then by saying: “with my foot.” But the more relevant thing to say I felt was: “I am certain I would have reacted the same should the man under my shower stall divider have been someone I recognized from my frequent time spent at this gym.” But then I thought, out loud “but of course a frequent patron of this gym would never act how that dead man did, poking his head fervently under the stall of a neighbouring shower and making such an unholy, disgusting, and rude request.” But it was more of a threat “I mean to say threat.” Unless it was neither “although it could have been a choice.” And it could have been. I had, with quick animalistic reactions, chosen to do what the young man had asked. I had chosen to send him to hell. To help him endeavor to complete his threat. That is when I realized I made a grave mistake. I did and do not want everyone in hell to know what my balls look like. Who would? And so I endeavoured to race to hell as quickly as possible so as to beat the dead and crushed man there and stop him from telling everyone what my balls look like. Because it is none of their business.

“Let start over.” I started over. “I need you to send to me to hell, and here is why: a young man’s head popped out at me from under the next shower stall. “ I’m going to tell everyone what your balls look like in hell. Now crush my head, you homo!” He said. Having never expected or planned for such an event I felt an urge to obey seeing as such an idea had already occurred to the young man thus making him a more trustworthy source. So, I stepped hard down on the head and dented his nose and eye. On my second attempt my foot, wet from the shower, slipped off his face. On my third and fourth I succeeded in crushing the skull and, upon removing my foot from the man’s head, scraping my foot on some head-bone. I considered, then, whether what I had done was wrong. My consideration lasted as long as my initial reaction and I decided what I had done was not wrong. I felt threatened by the young man and reacted in self-defense; I was confident of that truth so I wrapped my towel around my waist and opened the stall door. Leaving a trail of water with my left foot and blood with my right, I nearly slipped through the shower halls until I reached the locker room exit where just through the doors waited several gym staff ready to provide towels and, for a fee, tips on how to properly squat. Once through the door I walk slid to the nearest gym staff and endeavoured to tell them the truth.” I paused briefly as a horrible realization clambered to my frontal lobe. “I forgot to introduce myself again.”

“Hello, My Ron is namewaitno—