manic pixie depression

there are three of me splitting this body,

like pock-marked tar cuts through

a tired northeast town: leading the lost

and the wandering between

those who sleep when dark is dark

and wake when

day is day

*

I used to confuse Bipolar Type I and Bipolar Type II in my abnormal psych classes. Type I is characterized by intense mania with moderate episodes of depression. Type II is characterized by hypomania with more severe episodes of depression.

I stopped confusing them when I suspected my own diagnosis.

*

hypo meaning under less than inadequate—HYPOthryroid - glycemic - allergenic - manic—
I am less than extreme but more than average I am below the above—productive and charismatic and beloved— I buy new clothes because the other Mes will figure out how to afford them I am OK with everything because everything will be OK I am OK I am OK I am above the OK I AM BOUNDLESS

*

until I am not. until I am bounded.

when time moves, slower

everything feels— when

I can’t get up I can’t

*

My high school psychology teacher had Type I. He told us a story to help us understand: during his first manic break, he spent his life savings on a hot dog stand and paddled a kayak out to a lighthouse in a thunderstorm wearing a backpack stuffed with philosophy books. His name was Walker and Star Wars: A New Hope had just come out. He thought he was Luke Skywalker.

Delusions are not a symptom of hypomania. Hypomanic people make impulsive decisions— spending an entire paycheck on a few pairs of designer heels—but for me it most often leads to elevated self-esteem, a decreased need for sleep, and greater productivity.

For years, others were oblivious to my horde of abandoned projects and swelling depression because I could get so much done on a part-time sleep schedule. I could do

so much

with ease, with speed, with grace at 3 in the morning—mind racing and this body bounding into work the same day, eager able churning
churning making creating
making up for the gaps in me,

until the steep and sudden

plummet

into the dark, the wandering

before wake when sleep is never enough

to mitigate reality

*

My psychiatrist put me on Lexapro and two weeks later I walked into our session on top of the world—I felt BetterGreatAmazing AllMyProblemsWereSolved and it only took a little pill and a deflated sex drive—the world bloomed in front of me I spoke toofast, so much to say toomuch to fit into a 45 minute session I was TheBestIveEverFelt and all was well was well was well
was—

She took me off it immediately.

Lexapro can trigger mania in Bipolar patients. It can unearth your superpower and just as quickly take it away.

my skin burns radiant *

without a dose of lunar dust— * split me,

* and watch me
decay