gary duehr

Mea Culpa

Thank you all for coming this morning. I deeply regret my actions two nights ago, and I take full responsibility for whatever I may or may not have done. I have already reached out to the parents of the other first graders at the birthday party as well as the hosts, and I want to extend my apology to any of the constituents in my district who may have been adversely affected, or who have reason to doubt my judgement. I assure them, and you, that I have never found myself in this position before as an elected representative, a wife and mother, or private citizen.

I’d like to read a prepared statement, and then I would be happy to take your questions.

First of all, I’d like to clarify the basic facts of what is known to date. None of the children, I repeat, none of the children required medical care. A handful of parents, when they rushed over to pick up their child, did seek the advice of one of the mothers who happens to be a dermatologist, but no ambulances were called. The police and firetruck arrived as a matter of course in response to the 911 call placed by the mother of the birthday girl.

Unfortunately, I have no memory of this, as I have repeatedly told the press. The last thing I remember was being given an Elevor PM in the driveway by one of my closest friends, a woman I’ll call “Rachel.” We had just popped by to check on our kids. I was feeling nervous about her my daughter’s first big party, and Rachel told me this would take the edge off. I managed to swallow the red-and-blue capsule without water on an empty stomach. This may have been my first mistake.

I remember wondering why the hydrangeas had gotten so blurry, and why the front door was so far away. It sounded like a loud plane was landing on the roof of the house. The next two hours are a black hole. When I came to, I was handcuffed in the back of a police car. My pants were smeared with ashes and what felt like candle wax. Some dads I recognized from school were beating their fists on the windshield and shouting insults at me. Their faces were red and sweaty.

As for what has been reported in the press as a profane, incoherent rant by myself, directed at six and seven year olds while they were tossing cornhole bags in the backyard, that is not who I am. I would never knowingly verbally assault small children until they were crying and screaming, nor would I chase them around the yard waving a kitchen knife. I have no rational explanation other than the hallucinatory state I was evidently in.

Rachel told me she grabbed me by the elbow and ushered me into the house. She shut me in the bathroom to calm me down, but she admits she neglected to put out the aromatic candles on the tub. Again, I have no memory of this incident, but Rachel has told me she heard me chanting
something about “the devil’s work” before she smelled smoke seeping under the door. I want to thank her personally for breaking down the door to rescue me. Let me emphasize, in no uncertain terms, that no so-called Satanic altar was found by the police, and I am not now, nor have I ever been, affiliated with any coven. My family attends First Baptist.

I am not a bad mom. I am not a bad person. My neighbors in Meadowbrook and my colleagues in the State House will attest to this. I ask you, who among you has not at one time or another found themselves in a situation not of their own making? Who has not inadvertently crossed a
line they weren’t even aware of, and found it impossible to make their way back?

I have been told the flames were quickly extinguished, but not before what has been described as a stampede by the party goers for the front door, in which a few of the smaller children were supposedly pushed to the floor. Of course, I’ll reimburse parents for any damage to the kids’ clothing, such as ripped-off buttons or torn sleeves, that ensued from the panic. I have seen the TV interviews with next-door neighbors who heard what they said was a “hysterical outcry” erupt from the house, followed by a stream of young children collapsing, sobbing, on the lawn.

I have retained a lawyer to handle the parents’ lawsuits, and the school has brought in a grief counselor to help the children process any trauma they may feel they have experienced. I intend to fight the House vote to censure me with every fiber of my being. I am not a quitter, and I won’t let myself be knocked down by rumor and innuendo. My husband, who has temporarily taken custody of our two children, is in an undisclosed location but promises me his full support.

Now I will be glad to take your questions. Tina of CNN?

Gary Duehr has taught poetry and writing for institutions including Boston University, Lesley University, and Tufts University. His MFA is from the University of Iowa Writers Workshop. In 2001 he received an NEA Fellowship, and he has also received grants and fellowships from the Massachusetts Cultural Council, the LEF Foundation, and the Rockefeller Foundation. Journals in which his writing has appeared include Agni, American Literary Review, Chiron Review, Cottonwood, Hawaii Review, Hotel Amerika, Iowa Review, North American Review, and Southern Poetry Review. His books include In Passing (Grisaille Press, 2011), THE BIG BOOK OF WHY (Cobble Hill Books, 2008), Winter Light (Four Way Books, 1999) and Where Everyone Is Going To (St. Andrews College Press, 1999).