pioneertown.

Cast of Characters

ROOKIE:                        Mid 20s, new to the force.

VETERAN:                      Wears mirrored sunglasses and chews gum.

WOMAN:                       Late 20s, looking for her cat.

SWIFFLES:                     A cat (played by a stuffed animal whose meowing is voiced offstage, possibly through a microphone).

REPORTER:                    Early 20s, has a police blotter.

OLD LADY, FRANTIC OFFICER, CHEERING VOICES (all offstage)

Setting:      A sidewalk at a busy intersection (the street is not seen). Downstage are two large bushes and a tree.

At Rise:     ROOKIE and VETERAN sit on motorcycles, watching traffic go by. For comic effect, they should be on bicycles. The sound of their engines and sirens can accompany them when they are on their “bikes.” Also, the cars that pass by can be indicated by the sound of engines.

ROOKIE

Come on, why do I have to shadow you? I’ve got the chops, man. I can go alone.

VETERAN

No you can’t. You’re too new. And anyway this is department protocol for rookies like you. You saying you’re above the department?

 
ROOKIE

Well-

 
VETERAN

And also, you get chops, as you say, with time.

ROOKIE

You get chops by being smart and fearless.

 
VETERAN

Uh huh.

ROOKIE

And by having an instinct to whoop ass.

VETERAN

Why so eager, rookie? You sound like you want people breaking the law.

ROOKIE

I want to find people who do and bust them. Take ‘em down.

VETERAN

See, that’s another reason you can’t work this light by yourself. You’re overzealous. It’s too hot for you.

ROOKIE

What’s so hot about it? 

VETERAN (arrogantly)

It’s an experience thing, rookie. You wouldn’t know.

ROOKIE

I bet you just want to hog all the tickets for yourself.

VETERAN

Hey, watch the swine-related insults! This corner is for seasoned veterans, okay? Just watch. I’ll show you. 

ROOKIE

Hmm. It sounds like you want people to break the law. So you can show off.

VETERAN

Look, this corner helps fill the quotas, and when the quotas get filled it shows our funding is money well spent. (smiles, chews gum a bit more aggressively.) But I’ll admit, looking good is a nice perk.

ROOKIE

Well-

VETERAN (agitatedly)

Listen rookie, I’m working this light, you’re shadowing me, and that’s the way it is.

ROOKIE

Oh yeah? How about I just let you ride off by yourself?

VETERAN

What the hell are you talking about?

ROOKIE

As soon as you chase after somebody, I’ll stay here and get the next guy.

VETERAN

You are ridiculous! That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard from a non-civilian. It’s a disobeying of my orders too.

 
ROOKIE

Yeah, but-

VETERAN

And anyway, no one’s gonna speed by you when they see my lights up ahead.

 
ROOKIE

How would they see you in time to stop? They wouldn’t. Even if they did, if you ask me, I think they’d be more likely to speed up. Ever thought of that? You’d probably get more people that way.

VETERAN

Blah blah blah. Bottom line Rookie, you can’t do that. Or do the job that I do, not to my standards anyway. You get to shut up and do what I say. And do you know why?

 
ROOKIE

Why?

 
VETERAN

Because that’s the motherflippin way it is.

 
ROOKIE

I could.

 
VETERAN

Could what?

 
ROOKIE

Do the job you do.

 
VETERAN

No. You couldn’t.

 
ROOKIE

Yes. I could.

 
VETERAN

No. You couldn’t.

 
ROOKIE

Yes.

 
VETERAN

No.

 
ROOKIE

Yes.

 
VETERAN

No.

 
ROOKIE

Yes! Yes yes yes!

VETERAN

Yeah? Wanna bet?

ROOKIE

Bet?

VETERAN

Yeah. Why don’t you put the money you haven’t earned yet where your mouth is?

ROOKIE

What kind of bet?

VETERAN

Let’s pull cars over for an hour, as many as we can, and bet on the most accumulated miles per hour over the speed limit. Winner gets to keep the light, and we’ll put up $100 too.

ROOKIE

Alright. Game on, son. I’ll even do a facebook status update if I lose. Of course, I’ll do that if I win too.

 
VETERAN

I do not understand a single word you just said. Follow me over here.

(They move their motorcycles behind the bushes. A few moments pass, and cars go by. We then hear a very loud engine representing a fast-moving car. ROOKIE and VETERAN check their respective radar guns.)

ROOKIE

Wow. That’s faster than a virgin in a whorehouse.

VETERAN

Go on, rookie. I’ll let you have this one.

(ROOKIE rides offstage. We hear his engine and siren, then silence. VETERAN listens on his radio. SWIFFLES meows in the trees nearby – VETERAN regards this briefly, then goes back to his radio.)

ROOKIE (coming through VETERAN’s radio)

Listen up, I’ll show you how it’s done.  

 
VETERAN (into radio)

Yeah, yeah. Just try not to screw up. 

ROOKIE

License and registration ma’am. Ma’am?

OLD LADY

Yes?

ROOKIE

Do you know how fast you were going?

OLD LADY

Was I going fast?

ROOKIE

Ma’am I had you at eighty-seven miles per hour.

OLD LADY

Oh, dear.

VETERAN (laughing)

Eighty-seven. That should be an easy number to beat. (Another car roars by. VETERAN checks his radar gun.) Damn, also eighty-seven.

(VETERAN takes off. The stage is empty for a few moments. SWIFFLES’ meowing resumes. A few moments later, WOMAN walks onstage.)

WOMAN

Swiffles? Is that you? Oh, I know it’s you!

SWIFFLES

Meow.

(ROOKIE comes back and notices WOMAN, who has approached the tree. He gets off his bike, but before he speaks to her, we hear VETERAN on ROOKIE’s radio, with sirens in the background.)

VETERAN

Hot damn, I got a live one! Gonna need some backup, I’m near 3rd and Main!

(ROOKIE, ignoring VETERAN, approaches WOMAN.)

ROOKIE

Is there a problem here, ma’am? I’m an officer of the law who graduated at the top of his class at the academy. With extreme prejudice, that is.

WOMAN

I feel so embarrassed about this, officer, but I think my cat is stuck in that tree.

VETERAN

We are going to need all available units. All available units at 3rd and Main. 3rd and Main!

ROOKIE

Ma’am, unfortunately, I need to go. Your situation is one for the fire department.

WOMAN

Oh please officer, could you make an exception? (grabs his arm) You’re so courageous looking!

ROOKIE

I’d like to help you, ma’am. (arrogantly) But my services are in just too great a demand today.

SWIFFLES

Meow.

WOMAN

Oh, my Swiffles is so scared. Can cats have heart attacks?

ROOKIE

Swiffles? Did you name your cat after a cleaning utensil?

WOMAN

Yes, because he swept my heart away, with remarkable efficiency!

(ROOKIE checks WOMAN out a little.)

ROOKIE

So, does Swiffles have a father?

VETERAN

We need all units. Repeat. All available units! Rookie, where are you?

ROOKIE (into radio)

I am on my way, I just need to aid two civilians in distress. (winks at WOMAN.)

VETERAN

What!

(REPORTER enters, carrying a large gym bag.)

REPORTER

Officer. I heard there’s a live one on Main. Do you know what’s going on?

ROOKIE

How do you know about that?

REPORTER

I have a blotter. (pats his bag.)

ROOKIE

Ah. (looks at woman.) The media.

SWIFFLES

Meow.

WOMAN

Oh, Swiffles! Be brave, my sweet pussy!

REPORTER

Come on, man, we need to go.

 
ROOKIE

We do? Sir, who exactly are you?

REPORTER

A photographer for The State. I’m trying to get on the crime beat. From what I’m hearing on the blotter, this may be an opportunity. Can you give me some 411 on what’s happening? A quote, maybe?

SWIFFLES

Meow.

WOMAN

Please, officer, if you’re not man enough to help me get my cat, could you at least call the muscular white knights at the fire department?

REPORTER

A cat is stuck in a tree? (takes out a digital camera) You know what, that would be good PR for you, getting photographed rescuing a lady’s cat. How about a heartwarming picture for tomorrow’s web edition?

                                               
ROOKIE

Good PR eh? (rubs his chin.)

VETERAN

We have the vehicle surrounded. Suspect appears to be armed.

ROOKIE

Well, they do have him surrounded. I guess there’s no such thing as “more surrounded.”

SWIFFLES

Meow.

WOMAN

Oh please please help me!

ROOKIE (talks into radio)

This civilian is still in need of my assistance. I’ll be there shortly.

VETERAN

Dammit, rookie! I am coming back to see this! All units, I am leaving the scene to attend to Officer Youngblood’s civilian situation.

ROOKIE

I need to do this quick. He’s gonna be pissed I’m not there.

(ROOKIE climbs the tree and SWIFFLES starts rowring.  REPORTER begins taking pictures.)

ROOKIE

Ow, watch the face, you furry little piece of crap! (comes down with SWIFFLES, whose rowring continues, but stops when he hands SWIFFLES to WOMAN.) Here’s your little Cujo kitty. He damn near clawed the twinkle out of my eye.

WOMAN

Oh thank you thank you! (WOMAN hugs SWIFFLES.)

(VETERAN comes back.)

VETERAN

Rookie, what the hell are you doing? Why are you still here?

ROOKIE

I’m aiding a civilian. I had to rescue her cat. How can I abandon a citizen in distress?

VETERAN

Rescuing a cat? That’s what the fire department is for, don’t you know that?

ROOKIE (points to REPORTER)

The media is here. He said it would be good PR.

VETERAN

Good PR, eh? (rubs chin.) Alright, you just get out to that scene. Ten blocks down, a left and a right. I’ll take care of all this here.

ROOKIE

Well, ma’am, I suppose I’ll be seeing you ar-

VETERAN

Go, rookie!

(ROOKIE leaves. VETERAN turns to REPORTER.)

 
VETERAN

Think you need a picture? For the paper?

REPORTER

A picture? We already took one.

VETERAN

I’ll give you a better one. Here, give me that cat. (takes SWIFFLES from WOMAN.)

SWIFFLES

Rowrr!

VETERAN

Whoa, that’s a wily one!

(SWIFFLES attacks VETERAN. REPORTER takes picture. VETERAN gives SWIFFLES back to WOMAN.)

VETERAN (cont’d)

That couldn’t have been a flattering picture. Can we get a better one? How about one of me with the appreciative lady?

(REPORTER laughs at the picture on the camera.)

REPORTER

No, this is great! Your expression is priceless. It can be in our “lighter side of the news” section.

VETERAN

Lighter side of the news section?

REPORTER

Now I’ve got to go to where the real action is. If you’ll both excuse me.

(REPORTER leaves.)

WOMAN

Will you tell that brave officer thank you for me?

VETERAN

Brave officer? Lady, let me tell you something…

(FRANTIC VOICE comes on VETERAN’s radio. VETERAN holds up his hand to WOMAN, chews gum aggressively, and holds the radio close to his ear.)

FRANTIC VOICE

Suspect is waving a gun around. He appears to be psychotic. All officers take cover and draw your weapons. Take cover and draw your weapons! Wait, who is that? I think it’s the new officer. Officer Youngblood. Yeah, the rookie! What is he doing? My God, the courage in that one. Sweet Jesus, I’ve never seen anything so acrobatic! Suspect is disarmed and immobilized. Disarmed and immobilized!

WOMAN (gives a little leap)

He’s a hero!

(Applause and CHEERING VOICES come through the radio. This lasts for a moment, and soon REPORTER’s voice is heard. VETERAN holds the same posture, still chewing his gum with aggression.)

REPORTER

Officer. Officer! Rusty Fitzpatrick, from The State. Tell me, officer, how did you detain the man under such extreme duress?

ROOKIE

Well, first of all, I’d like to thank my lord and savior Jesus Christ, who makes all things possible…

(VETERAN turns off radio and stares straight ahead. WOMAN, reading into VETERAN’s behavior, leaves quietly. VETERAN drops the radio down to his waist and stands there for several moments, holding the same position while the sounds of fast cars roar by. In a few moments ROOKIE comes back, with a huge smile on his face, and makes a circle around VETERAN before coming to a stop.)

ROOKIE

Hey, I just passed some cars that looked like they were speeding. Did you notice?

VETERAN

You’re back fast.

ROOKIE (pats his motorcycle)

Well, it’s a fast vehicle.

VETERAN

Uh huh.

ROOKIE

Wow. Two rescues in one day.

VETERAN

Uh huh.

ROOKIE

So how’d it go over here? (silence) Everything wrap up okay? (silence)

VETERAN

So what was your mph on that pullover?

ROOKIE

What, that old lady? Let me see. (pulls out the citation.) Eighty-seven.

VETERAN

Oh, that’s right.

ROOKIE

How about yours?

VETERAN

Eighty-seven.

ROOKIE

So it was a tie. (silence) It doesn’t feel like a tie. I mean technically, I handled your situation.

(VETERAN stares stone-faced at ROOKIE.)

ROOKIE (cont’d)

So you want the next one?

VETERAN

No, you go ahead.

ROOKIE

You sure?

VETERAN

I’m sure.

ROOKIE

Okay.

(ROOKIE and VETERAN go behind the bushes and wait. The curtains began to close, and we hear speeding cars.)

ROOKIE (holding up radio)

Hey, did you notice my antenna’s longer than yours?

(Curtain.) 

Zack O'Neill earned his MFA from the University of South Carolina. His work has been supported by two fellowships, the James Dickey Fellowship and the Houston Writing Fellowship. His work has appeared in The Oklahoma Review, Kudzu Review, The Homestead Review, and elsewhere. His short story collection Zen Creoles will be published by Spuyten-Duyvil Press in 2017.. He currently lives in Sacramento, and works as an adjunct English professor.

© 2017